I have been feeling really jittery. I have tried all the normal things but nothing is working. I guess it is just life that makes me like this. My anxiety has increased over the last couple of days and I am wondering if I am on the way down in my darkness cycle.

I remember hearing a sermon on “anxiety” once. The preacher defined anxiety has having a “big fear” and offered an answer – “put it all on the Lord”. I often think back on that sermon. My experience of anxiety has been anything but a “big fear”. Fear is focused on an object. My experience of anxiety is more of an unfocused foreboding – something bad is always just around the corner. And then the overthinking starts – the spiral down. “What will I do?”, “Who can help me?”, “What will other people think?” I know (with my head) that it is just my anxiety speaking but often my heart does not follow. There is a debate happening inside me and it is really draining. It takes all my energy just to do the normal things in my day without any room for doing extra. And then I feel guilty for not doing extra and the spiral moved down.

My psychologist says that anxiety left untreated will develop into depression. I often wonder if the darkness brings my anxiety or my anxiety my darkness. Either way I know they are life-partners!

I have found this Instagram page very helpful. It often says the things that I am feeling or just brings words of encouragement. I know I have to learn to be honest with people I trust (which is a very small group). And to reach out when I am not well – when I see the signs. I simply do not want to be a burden to anyone.

So I have a couple of things to do today – and a few that I have already done. I am putting my faith in the rhyme that I have established in my life to carry me to tomorrow. And then start again!

I pray you have a Jesus filled day!

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