I am helping again at church today. It feels really good to be useful and to be able to help. I like that I can do it without too much fuss – I just do my job. I am also glad that the online study returns this week – another way that I can serve the community.
During the night I was thinking about my desire to return to the painful past. I think there is a certainty there that I feel I lack now. But in reality there is none. The past, even the painful past, is no longer a reality – people have changed and I have changed. In the past I have surrendered this certainty for being “me” – wearing a mask that suits what I believe I should “be”, allowing other people to define me and to dictate what I do.
The point of conclusion I reached in the night is that I have no real desire to return to that past. The past is no longer a reality and people have moved on. There is always escapism in me. But I am very happy with my present. I am happy with the person I am becoming through these painful months. I like the freedom to be “me” – whatever that may look like. Maybe I can even learn how to really connect with people?!
So Morning Prayer and then off to the hermitage I go!